Adjusting Christmas Expectations

Christmas is a tricky season. We want to make the season special. However, traps are everywhere! My husband and I have a deep desire to disciple our children to walk with Jesus their whole lives (Deut 4:6). But when it comes to Jesus' birthday, we find ourselves entangled in all kinds of unspoken traditions and expectations that have lead to frustration and resentment in the past. We have learned we need to approach Christmas deliberately and framed within our greater convictions about family rhythms, money and trying to please God and not man (Galatians 1:10). 

I still get trapped! At my house the tradition of decorating the house turns into an overflow project of winter cleaning the attic storage room. Five strands of lights are out. "Do we have the budget to replace them?" Christmas candy-making turns into bickering as each kid each wants to be the one to put the nut in the Rolo turtles and someone ending up getting a burn while struggling with each other over the hot cookie sheet. ("Everyone stop! Let's talk about how grabby hands come from grabby hearts...")

A simple tradition is making candy to give away. This gives us quality time together. Rolo "turtles" are our favorite.

My husband and I have to enter each holiday season on the same page. We have a Parent- Christmas Conference. This helps us talk through our expectations before there is a blow up.

On the conference agenda every year:

How do we treasure Christ  in the season? 

1. What traditions do we want to build into our family? By starting with what we want our Christmas to be centered around, naturally other things have to fall out of our schedule. 
2. Do we want our family devotionals to feel extra special during Advent? The answer is usually yes! This takes some extra planning. I try to make a solid plan by Thanksgiving so I am not blindsided when December appears! "A solid plan" usually just means I gather the devotional materials (or order the books) by Thanksgiving break so they get to my house in time. I don't overly structure it.
3. What do we want our Family Christmas Eve Service to include? My husband always had a dream about how he would include his kids in the Christmas Even Service. More on this in my next post...
4. How are we tempted to turn our kids into Christmas Consumers? How do we pray against this temptation, surrender it to the Lord and overcome? This takes some real accountability between me and my husband. We have a lot of confession and grace-giving. ("Honey, Before you see the bill, I was on Amazon today and I saw a great deal on.... so I bought it. I know we discussed only purchasing... Would you forgive me? Thank you. I will print the return label.)

Christmas Eve service at church. We would go early in the day to have time for our own service at home.

The overall plan.

1. How many events are we committing to?
2. If an event comes up last minute, how do we decided whether or not to attend?
3. When will we celebrate our Christmas as a family (my husband, me and our kids) and when will we see each side of the family?

​The budget

1. What is our max budget?
2. Do we split it evenly amongst the kids?
3. Does one kid need something that would require a bit more of the budget that we could purchase without causing resentment among the pack?
4. Who are we buying for outside of the family? We consider church members, people we are mentoring, people who have blessed us particularly this year, our pastor's family, our children's teachers and childcare workers, neighbors, etc. 
5. I always forget to discuss the budget for extra food during the holidays. I am adding it to my list for next year!
6. Travel expenses. Are we going away this break? Can that be part of the gift budget instead of more gifts?
7. We must declare if my husband and I intend on buying gifts for one another. In recent years we have replaced a traditional gift with a nice date night instead. 

This year's Christmas decorations were intentionally simple. We had a wreath on the door and some garland on another bookcase but left everything else alone. I wanted to value rest over an overly-decorated house.

What can we say "no" to?
I have to admit, this is a lovely problem to have. We are incredibly grateful for the enormous amount of relationships we have built through church and work life as administrators at CLPS. However, with this staggering number of relationships come more events than we could possibly agree to attend. More than that, we have 5 kids. We have to discuss:

1. Say no to some parties. Will we participate in every book exchange, sock exchange, cookie exchange, gift card exchange, ornament-making, ugly sweater, pajama pants, dress-like-rudolf party that pops up in every group each of our kids are involved in? We cannot possibly buy the special snack, socks, books, etc for each classroom party, church party, friend group party, Bible Study Group, Women's Church Christmas Party, or other grouping. We have to say no sometimes. 
2. Say no to new stuff every year. We have to recycle. We sometimes gather things on sale to keep them around for upcoming Christmas seasons. It is ridiculous but I even have a whole tub in the attic full of Christmas costumes that we rotate using for these special events. 
3. Say no to competing with other families. We cannot compare. We can't have the same Christmas as everyone else. My mother has always made the most beautiful Christmases. Her decorations and packages are so beautiful that it triggers instant nostalgia. When I think of Christmas, I think of my mom's house. However, I am not my mom. I just don't have the same gifting. I am so grateful that I still have both of my parents and my kids can go to my parents' house and experience what I did.  My house can be second (or third or fourth) best. It is okay. 
4. Say no to other people's expectations. This can be really hard, especially if the pressure comes from your own family.  We have had to work on how we communicate our hopes for Christmas with our family. When the question comes up, "what does everyone want for Christmas?" we really have to think about it. What do we NEED? Would we rather have experiences than a physical gift? Should we just go on a trip and forego presents all together? Think through these expectations together before Thanksgiving!

Spending quality time conferencing with your spouse (and your older children as they grow into maturity) about Christmas expectations can prepare your heart for the season.  Stating your expectations out loud and in light of your objective as the primary disciplers of your children, you can identify areas where your heart will be tempted to give into worldly demands. I hope that helps.
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This year we limited presents and went to a beach house with the whole family instead. We appreciate time together when we feel we have enough "stuff."